


One Show Only (No Encore)

by 30degreesandsnowing



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen, Grief, Holding Hands, Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attacks, cuddling with aliens, goddamn abuse of the goddamn english language, heavy weapons, lots of goodbyes, mass effect 2 tag, shepard is friends with her crew, sometimes I think I'm funny, steve is a good person, team fic, titanic spoilers, what's going through shepard's head before me3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 12,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4918516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/30degreesandsnowing/pseuds/30degreesandsnowing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's defeated the Collectors, made Liara Shadow Broker, and destroyed the Alpha Relay. It's time to face the music back home, but first, she has to say goodbye to her crew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 352,000

**Author's Note:**

> Title shamelessly stolen from Leverage.

After Hackett left, the terror and stress and exhaustion all hit Shepard at the same time, leaving her dizzy and swaying on her feet. She knew she should walk the Admiral to his shuttle, but even crossing the room seemed too difficult an accomplishment. As she stared at the door leading to the rest of her ship, she tried to convince herself to start walking.

She ached all over. Modern medicine was a wonderful thing, but even discounting the dozens of indoctrinated soldiers she had killed, and the YMIR mech she had blown up, she had been in an induced coma for two days, and her body was still shaking off the effects. Doctor Chakwas had bitten back multiple lectures about the foolishness of jumping up and into battle from a hospital bed. At least Kenson and her allies had healed up the damage from the exploding YMIR.

And she was supposed to be doing something. She was standing in the middle of the med bay, the only sounds were breathing and the low constant hum of the drive core. The datapad with her report on the Alpha Relay and the colony (estimated casualty count 352,000 deaths) was in her hand. The walls of the medbay seemed to shift in front of her eyes, pulsing in time to the remembered count of that damned Reaper object. 

"You look terrible," Garrus said from beside her, and Shepard blinked. She had not realized the infirmary door had opened to let him in. Had she been daydreaming this entire time?

"I think some of my bruises are bruised," she admitted, leaning against him. Garrus' armor was rough on the newly healed skin of her cheek, but she needed the support, and the comfort. He put an arm around her and Shepard let him hold her up. Her scalp pricked with pain, and Garrus used his free hand to slip her hair loose of the jagged edge of armor it had caught upon.

"The great Commander Shepard, laid low by some bruises," Garrus teased, tucking the blond lock behind her ear. "Come on. I'll get you upstairs."

"Mmmf," she said, by way of agreement, and let him guide her out the door and to the elevator. The Normandy was quiet. Most of the Cerberus crew was probably hiding from the Alliance Admiral she had let on board. She bet the former Alliance members of the crew were huddled in Engineering with Tali, begging her to hide them from one of the Alliance's more powerful members. Even the mess was empty of Cerberus personnel and Rupert.

Inside her cabin, the drive core blended soothingly with the sound of water from the fish tank. Kelly had fed the fish while she had been on the asteroid. At least they had survived. Shepard's usual curse did not touch them.

Were 352,000 Batarian deaths karmic payback for surviving a suicide mission with her whole team intact? Was it payment for the lives of her kidnapped crew? So many dead. So many failures. If only she could have saved one of them. Instead, the only one she could ever save was herself.

Shepard was so tired.

"He's right," she said, as Garrus pulled back the blankets on her bed and helped her lay down. "I will have to answer for this." Garrus tucked the covers around her, and she twisted her fingers in the heavy fabric.

Garrus sat down on the bed next to her. "You did the best you could," he said, "The Admiral knows that."

"Three hundred fifty-two thousand," she whispered, staring up at the ceiling. She thought she could see an explosion, beyond the shiny bulkhead and kinetic shielding. Asteroid versus mass effect relay. The lights pulsed like Object Rho, damning everyone.

"Don't beat yourself up, Shepard," Garrus told her. He stroked her hair very carefully with his talons. "No one else could have done better."

"Should have shot Kenson when I realized there was a fucking Reaper artifact out in the open." She was so tired.

She thought he said, "Sleep, Shepard, I'll be here if you need me," but darkness was falling, and it could have been a dream.


	2. Joker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Joker and the Alliance.

"This is bullshit, Commander," Joker said, spinning the pilot's chair around to face her. His beard was ragged and the shadows under his eyes were deep enough to hide the Normandy. "You just saved the galaxy from Reapers - again- and now you want to turn yourself in to the authorities? We have the Krogan and we have the Geth. Why do we need the Council?"

None of the crew slept well, not since the Collector base. Shepard, who only needed a couple hours each night, post-upgrade, rose to find crew members drinking gallons of tea and coffee no matter the early she left her cabin. Joker was the worst of the lot, catching catnaps in his pilot's chair and leaving a small mountain of dirty coffee mugs in the copilot's seat. It was time for her to let him go, to let them all go. They deserved a rest, and Shepard needed to get the Alliance and the rest of the Council on board the Reaper Defense ship.

"Because the Council," Shepard explained patiently, "has access to resources the Geth and Krogan do not." She leaned back against the copilot's chair. It would be an uphill battle to make the rest of the crew go, but she was not sure even she could convince Joker. Everyone but Joker and Chakwas would understand why they needed to leave, and why Shepard needed to do this. 

The Council could mobilize every species in Council space. It would not just be the Turians, Asari, Salarians, and Humans, a formidable on their own. It would also be the Hanar, and the Drell, and the Elcor, and dozens of other races working toward galactic defense. At the most, they had a couple years before the Reapers showed up en mass. Sovereign had been almost unstoppable. A Reaper fetus had almost killed her entire team. The Krogan and Geth were good, but to defeat the Reapers, Shepard needed the entire galaxy. That was something only the Council could get her. 

"Uh, I think the Krogan and Geth make a pretty terrifying team," Joker grumbled. "I mean, if I was making a fantasy football team, I would totally pick them." He sighed, though, and Chaya knew it was her point. 

"Also, before anything else, I'm an Alliance Soldier," Shepard said. "The Alliance is catching hell for what I did. If I don't turn myself in, it could be war. We cannot afford that. I have a duty to stop that." 

"I hate it when you play the 'duty to the Alliance' card. It's so unfair." Joker looked up at the shimmering starscape above them. He bit his lip, and Shepard let him think. After a long moment, he focused on her. "You deserve better than what they're going to give you," he said. "We've spent years trying to convince people about the Reaper threat. It's not like they've ever believed you before. Now you want to try and convince them while you're tried for terrorism?" 

"A trial will be public," Shepard said. "Everyone will pay attention to it. The Asari, the Turians, they'll pay attention. The Salarians will dissect everything. Even if their leaders don't, if we can convince enough of their people, we can force this. We can prepare. I have to do this." 

Joker glared down at his hands. "Fine," he said. "Then I guess we're turning ourselves into the Alliance." 

That was what she had been afraid he would say. "Oh, no," Shepard said. "No, _we_ are not doing anything. _I_ am going to Arcturus. You and the rest of the crew stay and work from the outside. Lean on contacts, report to the Council --" 

"Turn myself into the government like a good little soldier." Joker interrupted. "Too bad, ma'am. If that's where you're going, that's where I'm going. The last time I didn't follow you, you died saving me. We aren't doing that again." 

"Joker..." Shepard said. 

"With all due respect, Commander," Joker said, "You didn't choose this. Cerberus brought you back and you did the best you could. _I_ picked this. The Illusive Man made an offer and I accepted it. If you're duty-bound to turn yourself in, then so am I."


	3. Miranda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which gift-giving habits are discussed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late, I had to run my sister over to our mechanic yesterday to pick up her car and it took a bit longer than expected. Thanks for reading! And thank you very much if you left kudos, it was most appreciated :)

The Illium cityscape was spectacular at this hour, lit up against a smoky sky and glowing bright enough to outshine the stars. A few blocks from the spaceport there was a strip full of restaurants and nightclubs on one side, and open air on the other. There was bistro seating and benches to allow an uninterrupted view of the city vista. Shepard and Miranda had traveled a meandering path to get here. Shepard was fairly certain Miranda was worried about a Cerberus tail. Shepard had brought the Arc Projector, just in case. The Projector was a good just-in-case weapon for a city, not like the Cain, her Situation FUBAR weapon of choice. 

The two women leaned against the short wall meant to keep the pedestrians from tipping over the edge of the boulevard.

"So, this is it," Miranda said. She stood silhouetted in the Illium twilight, hands on the barricade as she stared out into the night. Three years ago, it would have been too dark for Shepard to make out her expression, sad but determined, blue eyes fierce. Miranda had changed that. Chaya's eyes looked organic, the color was an exact match to the pale green she used to see in the mirror, but sometimes she could feel the difference. And sometimes, she could see the difference, like the strangely and suddenly excellent night vision. 

"The last stop," Shepard agreed, turning around so she could see the street. If Miranda was worried, Shepard would be cautious and keep an eye on their six. The street was getting more crowded as the evening passed, and Asari maidens in tight clothes started prowling toward the clubs. "You sure you haven't left anything behind? Maybe a certain tacky coffee mug I saw in the cupboard on our way out?"

"Jacob is a terrible gift-giver," Miranda said, not quite disguising the laughter in her voice. "It was leave it behind or recycle it. I thought the Alliance might appreciate it."

Shepard let her eyes drift over the people, carefully not-watching a human man too obviously leering as he came down the street toward them. "Miranda, it says, 'Cerberus Does It Better' in bright yellow glitter."

"I am aware," Miranda said serenely. "Problems?"

"Maybe," Shepard said. "Your 5 o'clock. I'm going to giggle, then you can turn." Shepard smiled brilliantly and laughed. She touched Miranda's arm and ducked their heads close when the other woman turned to look. "Jacob isn't the only one with a terrible taste in gag-gifts," Shepard said, "Actually, he might just be drunk already."

Miranda laughed, low and throaty. "No, I recognize him. Stupid of the Illusive Man to send him." The Cerberus agent stumbled and ran into a girl with a dyed yellow scalp. He lurched against her, hands tight on her shoulders to keep from falling, and staggered the two of them around so get a better view of Miranda.

"He's a dick, but he isn't usually stupid," Shepard said, keeping her expression fluid and bright. Miranda turned and tossed her head so her hair fell over her shoulders and obscured her profile. Shepard ducked close and laughed gaily.

"I should go," Miranda murmured. "He's the obvious tail. I'm sure there's a few others in this crowd. Cause a distraction for me?"

Shepard said, "You sure you don't want me to follow? We might be able to flush them out." She almost said she could radio the Normandy for backup, that Garrus and Thane could be there in a few minutes, but Garrus and Thane were gone. There were too many civilians around, and it would be messy without a sniper. If Miranda could get to an alley --

"No," Miranda said. "I'll be fine." She leaned forward and hugged Chaya. Miranda was almost as tall Shepard, and curvy where Chaya was bony. Her hair tickled Shepard's nose, smelling of roses and vanilla. Chaya held her tight for a long moment.

"You take care of yourself," Miranda whispered. "I will be extremely cross if I have to put you back together. Again."

Shepard laughed, rougher than she intended. Miranda was the last to go, the last goodbye. The crew was gone, her team was gone, and all that was left was to go to Arcturus. It hurt to see them all leave, even if she had planned it all out, herself. She pulled back and tucked Miranda's heavy black curls back over her shoulder. "You'd enjoy the challenge," Shepard told her. "Alright. Give me 15 seconds, then you should be clear."

Miranda smiled. "I trust you. And Chaya? Thanks."


	4. Thane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No alarms went off as they entered pedestrian traffic, no bad guys jumped out at them, no bombs went off, no YMIR mechs suddenly dropped from overhead. That was a good sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! I got out of work late yesterday and then there was family stuff. I'll try and be better on Friday :)

"Have you actually told Kolyat you're coming home?" Shepard asked, walking Thane through C-Sec just in case he set off any alarms. C-Sec was crowded, as always, but Shepard's heavy armor cleared a space around them. Thane stood to her right, at the exact edge of the bubble of space around her, looking part of the crowd even as they strolled together through the station. Chaya was sure Thane didn't actually need a Spectre escort, and even more sure he was aware of what she was doing and just humoring her, but it did make her feel better. 

"I sent him a message," Thane confirmed, allowing her to take point through the sensor grid leading to the main thoroughfare of Zakera Ward. No alarms went off as they entered pedestrian traffic, no bad guys jumped out at them, no bombs went off, no YMIR mechs suddenly dropped from overhead. That was a good sign. "My son is letting me stay with him for a few days until I find an apartment." 

Chaya only just managed not to ask if he had enough credits to pay the Citadel's exorbitant rent rates. "I'm glad you two are working things out," she said instead, starting down the street. Before she could take more than a few steps, though, Thane grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the street, and into a quiet spot up against Jin's Toy Emporium.

"It is all thanks to you," Thane said to her, smiling, and squeezed her fingers gently. " I need to thank you, Shepard, for everything you have done."

"I just did the grunt work," Shepard said. "It's working because you were willing to admit your mistakes, and work to make up for them. That's the important thing."

Thane shook his head. "No," he insisted. "You were the one that gave me the courage to chase after him. And if you had not stopped him, he would have fallen willingly into a darkness I don't think anyone could have brought him out of. You saved him. By saving him, you saved me, as well. You are a true friend, Shepard."

She did not save people. Shepard swallowed back the words, trying to find the right smile of appreciation for such heartfelt gratitude. Thane noticed, and the happiness on his face faded to concern.

"Shepard?" he asked. "You are troubled."

Through the window, Jin's Toy Emporium looked like something out a horror vid. Some of the toys looked like torture implements -- Shepard figured those were for Turian and Salarian kids-- and some of them had dimensions and colors that would cause headaches if one was unwary enough to stare. There was a brightly painted set of _something_ that gleamed and pulsed in the air. Shepard stiffened and looked closer, and the toy was just a toy again, without any air of menace.

Someone touched her shoulder and Shepard jumped, knocking into an unwary pedestrian. Thane stared at her, startled. Shepard turned and tried to apologize to the Turian woman she had walked into, but the woman ignored her, stalking away cursing arrogant humans who thought they owned the place. Thane took her hand again, and pulled her back out of the foot traffic and against the building.

"Shepard?" Thane asked.

"That was embarrassing," Shepard said, staring at the place where the Turian had been. "I cannot believe I did that. I'm lucky I didn't run into a human or Asari, I might have broken bones." She was wearing battle armor, not fatigues or civilian dress. She had to more be careful.

"Shepard!" Thane repeated, a third time.

Chaya's head jerked around to at him, guilt curling in her gut.

"Something is wrong," Thane told her gently. "Come and tell me about it." He kept her hand and used it to guide her to a cafe next to Jin's Toy Emporium. There was an empty table by the streetside window, and they sat there and ordered for tea. It was only once Chaya was seated that Thane let go of her hand, and slid down into the chair across from her.

"You have done so much for me," Thane said, folding his hands on the table the way he used to in the Normandy's life support room. "Will you tell me what troubles you?"

Their tea arrived in the form of a pot of hot water, two delicate cups, and a tray with sugar, lemon, and cream beside a box of black tea bags. Shepard used the ritual of pouring the water and dropping in the little bag to try and order her thoughts.

"You have given me a gift I never hoped to receive," Thane prodded again, after she stayed silent. "You have given me my son. That I survived to come home to him -- the air is molten against my skin. A shot fires to my left, to my right. 'Boom! Got one!' Garrus crows delight beside me. Collector's scatter like a startled flock as Jack flings out her hands." He blinked at her, his eyes contracted and visibly green. "I apologize. That I am going home to him is all because of you. Please, if there is any way to discharge the debt I owe you, let me."

"You're playing dirty," Shepard stalled. "You don't ... This is different."

"You have been distracted," Thane said. "I confess, I did not think you would have up split apart like this. I can see the benefit," he mused. "Samara may be able to convince some of her people. Gunt will be a good emissary for the Krogan. I still have a few contacts on Kahje. Alone, we may be able to accomplish a great deal. But there is a part of me that wishes to stay, and fight at your side."

Shepard swallowed. "I need to win this," she said. "We need to win, but I -- I need to defeat the Reapers. I need to save everyone." She closed her eyes and bowed her head. "I never save anyone," she admitted. "My grandmother died trying to reach me during a gang war. My unit died. Jenkins died. I let Ash get blown up. But this." Shepard took a deep breath and opened her eyes, staring directly at Thane. "I killed three hundred fifty two thousand people," she said. "I survived when an entire system didn't. I have to make this worth it. I have to do everything, every tiny stupid hurtful thing, to win. Because if I don't, then I'm the monster who slaughtered three hundred thousand innocent people for no reason."

Thane stared back at her. "Shepard," he said. "You have done far more than anyone else has, than anyone else could ask, in this war. The deaths are the fault of the Reapers, not yours."

"My head knows that," Shepard said. "But I was the one to press that button. Not the Reapers. Not Kenson. Me."

They were both silent for a long time after that. Shepard finally started drinking her tea, letting the heat flow through her and soothe the ache inside. Thane sipped his drink slowly, eyes hooded, both hands folded around his tea. The cafe owner stopped by the table to try and talk them into dessert, or perhaps an appetizer? that they both refused. When both their mugs were drained, Thane looked up at her again.

"I have only known you a few months," he said. "But I remember every moment. --Illium, soaked in sunlight, glittering off wet pools of blood on the pavment. 'M-m-mariana,' a woman stutters, terror soaks her face in tears and kohl. 'The usual plan,' Shepard says-- You may not save everyone, but you try. Not many people can say that. And that is why you will win. You do not pick the easiest path, or the fastest. You pick the best path. You may not believe it, but I believe it. I believe in you."

Shepard laughed wetly. "I suppose we'll find out if it's enough," she said. "Thanks. You're a good friend, Thane," she told him, and wiped her cheeks dry.

"More than enough," Thane said, and stood. "Shepard," he said. "Perhaps I should return with you to the Normandy. It seems that things here are not yet done."

"No!" Shepard said, jumping to her feet and knocking the chairs and table. "No. Your son is waiting, Thane. And I'll be okay. I promise."

Thane studied her again, while Shepard straightened up their table.

"I think you will be," Thane said, and let her walk him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are always welcome! Thank you for reading.


	5. Samara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard startled herself by laughing. "I think you just called me a bad influence."

The first time Shepard had walked into the SR2’s observation lounge and seen the full wall of stars, she had turned around and walked right back out. The dizzying expanse of space had been too much to face so soon after the SR1's destruction. Samara, though, had walked in and staked claim. Almost literally: halfway through the ship tour Shepard gave each new team member, Samara had said that the observation lounge was adequate and dropped her travel bag on the ground to seal the deal. None of the crew had the spine to challenge the Asari, though Shepard thought that if anyone could work up the nerve, Samara would not mind other people relaxing there. At the time, Shepard herself was just glad _someone_ could like lounge, because she certainly could not.

Three months later, and Shepard could walk into the room without flinching. Life would have been much better if her fears had stayed as simple as the vastness of space. A wall of stars and nothing was not evil a blip on her list of worries.

Sometime after Samara had joined the crew, Shepard had started joining the woman for morning meditations before breakfast. Today, Samara was already sitting crisscrossed on the floor, her biotics casting a bright glow about her. Shepard sank down beside her without saying a word. She closed her eyes and centered herself and _breathed._

The world seemed a little less fragile after a half hour of meditation. It was an illusion, but one Chaya was happy to perpetuate. She opened her eyes to see Samara looking at her.

"Good morning, Shepard," Samara said. "It is good to see you. Will you be joining me for breakfast?" She said the same thing every morning. It was nice to have a routine, and Shepard would miss the easy company when she was gone.

"I'd love to," Shepard said, completing their morning ritual. She stood and stretched, while Samara rose fluidly to her feet. The two women walked quietly to the mess hall. Shepard loved that she could be quiet with Samara. Amongst her team, restful silence between parties was the exception, not the norm.

Once they had both grabbed breakfast -- sliced peaches and a mug of tea for Chaya, a grain-based hot cereal for Samara -- and found a seat, Shepard spoke again.

"I actually had something I wanted to talk to you about, this morning," Shepard began.

Samara looked curiously at her. "Is this regarding your return to Human space?" she asked. "Joker was complaining about it at dinner yesterday," she explained after Shepard's surprised look.

"Gossip on a small ship." Shepard rolled her eyes. "And yes, it is. Before I head back, though, I want to make sure everyone ends up where they actually want to be. We've got a ship, we've got a stealth drive. You tell me where, and I'll make it happen."

"Anywhere is the galaxy?" Samara asked. Shepard nodded. Samara looked thoughtful. "I had not thought too hard on what I would do next," she confessed. "At first, it was because it seemed unlikely there would be a next. Now, I suppose I have been enjoying peace for the first time in four hundred years." Samara sighed. "But peace never lasts."

"It's never lasted for me," Shepard admitted. "But it doesn't have to be that way. It's your choice. If you want me to drop you on a quiet garden planet, I can do that."

Samara shook her head. "No," she said. "That life is not for me. And," she said, looking shrewdly at Shepard. "I do not think that is in your plans, either."

"I do have plans," Shepard admitted. "But this is your life. You don't have to do what I say, anymore." She frowned. "Do you? Do I need to release you from your oath?"

Samara smiled. "No," she said. "There is no need for that, between us. My Oath has been fulfilled, and even if it had not -- I have never regretted my decision to follow you, Shepard. Should you ever have need of me, you simply need to ask."

"I see," Shepard said, and looked down at her empty bowl of peaches for a moment. Such loyalty hurt as much as it bolstered her against the coming months. Planning to use that loyalty was even worse. It should not feel like taking advantage, not after the Collector raid.

When Chaya looked up, her expression was firm. "I need you to talk to the Asari," she said. I need you to do everything you can to convince them the Reapers are coming."

"Of course," Samara said, easily. "I do not know if they will listen to me, or even see me. Justicars are respected, and I will leverage that for all I can, but politicians may fear me too much."

Shepard nodded. "Just do the best you can," she said. "Please. We need more people on our side." 

“I will do my best,” Samara promised.

Samara’s best was better than she could hope for. “Thank you,” Chaya said. “Did you have any ideas where you wanted to be dropped off? Illium? The Citadel? I've never been to Thessia, myself, but I hear it’s lovely."

Samara smiled serenely. "I think I'll return to Illium," she said. "It may be better not to arrive on Thessia in your company."

Shepard startled herself by laughing. "I think you just called me a bad influence," she, delighted. "Thanks, Samara. I really appreciate that."

Samara smiled again. "Of course, Shepard. You are most welcome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are welcome!


	6. Kasumi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you know the Volus ambassador to the Council in an avid gardener?

Shepard stared at the galaxy map, blinked, glanced over at Kasumi, and then stared again at the little planet she had zoomed in on. There was an awkward silence. Shepard cleared her throat. "You really want me to drop you here?" she asked, doubt coloring every syllable.

Kasumi nodded, and bounced on her heels. "Zahara," she said, a pleased smile on her face. "And if we could go in low emissions, that would be perfect." The other woman was standing by Shepard's personal terminal, which was the least worrying thing about that grin. That was the kind of grin that said Miranda’s flat iron was missing. That was the kind of grin that said Jacob had gone to shower and someone had stolen his clean clothes. That was the kind of grin that said Shepard better get out the heavy weapons, because an angry Turian was about to appear on the horizon with a depleted bank account and a grenade launcher. That was a bad smile for a middle of nowhere planet.

What could Kasumi want there? Really, there was _nothing_ on Zahara. Not even a rich but eccentric miser with a secret collection of Elcor totems. At least, she did not think there was anything there. Shepard frowned over her display, and ran another scan. Nothing.

Suspicion reared its head. "Kasumi," Shepard said. "Why do you want me to drop you off on a barely colonized, barely garden planet in the middle of nowhere?"

"Now Shep," Kasumi scolded. "You never said I had to tell you _why_ I wanted to go somewhere. You just said you'd drop me wherever I wanted now that you're done blowing up Mass Relays and boxing Yahg."

Shepard made a face. It was hard to tell with the hood casting shadows, but she was almost positive Kasumi smirked back at her. Shepard was unimpressed.

"Oh, alright." Kasumi gave in ungracefully. “They say the greenhouses on Zahara are spectacular. It’s the only place in the entire galaxy that still grows Elluni Bryns after a forest fire took out half the continent on Sayns. I thought I’d do a little sightseeing, maybe an unescorted tour. Did you know the Volus ambassador to the Council in an avid gardener?"

Oh. Shepard had not thought Kasumi would want to be a part of the next stage of her plan. She smiled down at the galaxy map. A bribe for the Volus ambassador. That would help. "Don't get caught." Chaya said. "Wait, how will you get off the planet? Should we stick around?"

"Shepard!" Kasumi said. "You should have more faith in me. After all we've been through, you think I’d get caught?”

“I seem to recall having to fight our way out of Donovan Hock’s place.”

Kasumi pouted. “That is why I brought appropriate backup. I knew I might need it. I make excellent plans. They go swimmingly. I have this one all planned out, too.”

“So what’s your exit plan?”

Kasumi grinned. “I can’t tell you all my secrets. Just know that I've already arranged a ride. All you need to do is get out of there and make sure no one realizes you were ever in the system."

"I can do that," Shepard admitted. “But if you need me, call.”

“You’re going to jail,” Kasumi said. “I think even you might have some trouble fielding rescue missions from a cell.”

“I’d figure something out,” Shepard said stubbornly. “Be careful, Kasumi.”

"I know you’re only this annoying because you love me," Kasumi said. She bounced again. "Stop worrying! I’ll be fine. I'm going to go make sure I haven't forgotten anything. How long until we get there?"

She was probably going to do one last circuit of the ship, looking for loose and shiny objects to take as souvenirs. By this point, everyone on the crew knew Kasumi's light fingers. If they left anything out for her, they deserved what they got.

"I'll let you know when we're an hour out," Shepard said, biting her lip. Kasumi did not need the worry. She was the best thief in the galaxy, and she never let anyone forget it.

Kasumi leaned up and kissed Shepard's cheek. "Thanks, Shep," she said. "This has been fun. Terrifying, and I'll never do it again, but fun. Maybe next time we can skip the suicide mission and just do the after party? Think about it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday: "Try not to blow the place up."


	7. Zaeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Try not to blow the place up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate your kudos and comments, so please let me know what you think. No, really, please.

"I hear you're dropping Mordin on Omega," Zaeed said over breakfast. 

Shepard nodded, swallowed her mouthful of cereal, and said, "Yeah, he's pretty anxious to return to his clinic. Daniel sent him a message: the clinic's running short on supplies and he thinks some of the gangs have been stealing shipments."

"Huh," Zaeed said, frowning down at his bacon. "Goddamn gangs. Well, I was planning on staying on Omega for a few days. Maybe I'll help him gun the bastards down."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate another gun," Shepard said. "I think Jack offered to bounce them off a few bulkheads, too."

Zaeed visibly brightened. "Always fun, watching her work," he said. "Goddamn Batarians will never know what hit them."

Shepard snorted. "Try not to blow the place up," she advised.

"No promises," Zaeed grunted. "Hey. Since you're going back to the Goddamn Alliance -- and probably a Goddamn jail cell -- can I have the Firestorm?"

"My Firestorm?" Shepard blinked.

"Nothing like barbecuing a Krogan to let the mooks know you're serious," Zaeed explained. "And I didn't think you'd part with the Cain."

That was a fair point. She would not be parting with the Cain. She would not even let Garrus use it. Well, maybe she would. If he really needed it. And promised to find the power cells to make up for any shots he took with it. The Cain was a dear, but it went through batteries like a Krogan through a buffet. "Sure," Shepard said. "You can have the Firestorm."

Zaeed grinned and slapped her on the arm. "You're a Goddamn saint, Shepard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love is letting another person use your heavy weapon. True love is letting them use the Cain.
> 
> **Monday:** "You're fucking giving Zaeed the Firestorm


	8. Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're fucking giving Zaeed the Firestorm?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was late, there was a death in the family. Have a Halloween chapter, instead?

"You're fucking giving Zaeed the Firestorm?" Jack burst into Shepard's cabin, scowling and cross. "Why does he get the Firestorm?"

"Hello, Jack," Shepard said absently, most of her focus on the little flap she was gluing onto her model Broker ship. "Did you get breakfast? Gardner's pulling out his reserves, and that includes bacon."

"Can it, Shepard," Jack huffed, stalking over to the desk and hovering. "I want to know -- is that the Shadow Broker ship?"

Shepard finished gluing down the flap. "Yep," she said. "I had to buy three kits and get Liara to send me schematics, but I'm almost done. Tomorrow I should be able to start painting."

Jack paused for a moment. "You know, you could use biotics to light up the lightning rods. Or Tali might be able to make you a little mass effect field generator that would do the same thing," she said.

"That's a good idea," Shepard said, tilting her head to look at the mostly-finished model. 

"Of course, since you're turning yourself into the Alliance, it's fucking pointless to even bother finishing."

"I don't like to leave things half finished," Shepard said. She set down her tweezers and swiveled her chair to face Jack. "Now, what were you saying? Something about Zaeed?"

Jack's face, which had been coolly focused on the little ship, twisted with annoyance. "The Firestorm. Why the fuck does Zaeed get a going-away gift? What the fuck, Shepard?"

Chaya rolled her eyes. "If you want a gun, Jack, you just have to ask," she said.

"What, seriously?" Jack asked. "You never let us carry the heavy weapons. The one time Grunt asked if he could use the Cain, I thought the damn Cerberus cheerleader had actually put lasers in your eyes. Fucking death glare."

"Do you think it would be a good idea to give Grunt the Cain?" Shepard asked. "Never mind. Don't answer that. Anyway, that was the Cain."

Jack said, "So I can't ask for the Cain. How about the Arc Projector?"

"No," Shepard said quickly.

Jack scowled. Shepard shrugged.

"Ok..." Jack said. "Fine. I want the Avalanche."

"Done," Shepard said. "But why the Avalanche? Why not the missile launcher?"

"Mostly because I really like shooting frozen people," Jack said, shrugging. "It's funny watching them shatter."

Shepard stared at her. Jack looked defiantly back.

"Alright," Chaya said. "The Avalanche it is."

Jack grinned. "Awesome," she said. She started to go, and then turned back. "Hey, Commander?"

Shepard looked enquiringly up at her.

"Thanks," Jack said. "And if you ever need me to break you out ... well, I do owe you one." She walked out before Shepard could reply.

Shepard smiled softly. "Thanks, Jack," she said, and turned back to her model.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate your kudos and comments, so please let me know what you think. No, really, please.
> 
> **Monday:** Jacob was shirtless, dressed only in running shows and shorts, with a towel around his neck and a water bottle in hand.


	9. Jacob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacob was shirtless, dressed only in running shoes and shorts, with a towel around his neck and a water bottle in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on schedule! Thank you so much to everyone who sent kudos, I appreciate every one.

"Hey, Shepard," Jacob greeted her as Chaya walked into the armory. "What brings you here?"

Shepard hopped up on the table. "Hi Jacob," she said. "Just finished your workout?"

Jacob was shirtless, dressed only in running shoes and shorts, with a towel around his neck and a water bottle in hand. A fine sheen of sweat coated his skin. He grinned at her. "What was your first clue?" he asked. "Is this going to be a long conversation? Because if so, I'd like to shower first, if you don't mind."

"I asked Edi to let me know when you weren't busy," Shepard said. "Sorry."

"Sometimes she has a strange sense of humor," Jacob said, shaking his head ruefully.

Shepard was pretty sure she got the joke. It had been a while since she'd last seen abs as good as Jacob's. Turian anatomy just didn't have the same muscle definition, what with the metal and bizarre alien physiology.

"Anyway, this shouldn't take long," Chaya continued. "I need to know where you want to be dropped off. I'm making a flight plan, and you're my last holdout. Even Legion's given me coordinates."

"Coordinates?" Jacob asked.

"I think the Geth are sending a ship to meet up," Shepard said. "It wasn't very clear."

"You understand it more than I do," Jacob said. "Walk with me?" he gestured toward the door to the CIC.

Shepard hopped off the table. "Lead the way," she said. The airlock obliging opened for them. 

"Where is everyone else going?" Jacob asked and they entered the CIC and headed toward the elevator.

"Omega, Illium. There's a few people who want to go to the Citadel," Shepard said. "Level three, please."

"Huh. Well, a major space port would be good," Jacob said, stepping out onto the crew deck. "I don't think the Illusive Man is going to be too thrilled about my resignation, and I don't want to give too many details while on board. There're an awful lot of bugs, here."

"I think Edi's got control over the bugs," Shepard said. "We're going to a few ports, though, so I'll send you a copy of our itinerary, and you can be at the airlock when we get there. Sound good?"

"Sounds good, Shepard," Jacob said. "Now, if you don't mind, this is where I leave you." He gestured at the men's restroom.

Shepard grinned. "Carry on, Taylor."

"Aye aye, ma'am," Jacob said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Friday:** "I'm watching documentaries about human naval craft disasters. Want to join me?"


	10. Grunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm watching documentaries about human naval craft disasters. Want to join me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy N7 Day! Thank you so much for your kudos, I really appreciate them :).
> 
> I give up. Updates are moving to Wednesdays and Saturdays. See you then!

The day before they entered Tuchanka's atmosphere, Shepard found Grunt hunched over the small screen of a datapad in the mess hall. "Grunt," she greeted, and slid into the seat beside him.

"Shepard!" Grunt looked up and grinned. It was a terrifying smile.

Shepard smiled back. "What are you doing?" she asked, looking around the mess. It was empty, though it was just a little while before dinner. Even Gardner was nowhere to be seen. Shepard hoped the pot on the stove did not need to be stirred or the heat adjusted or … whatever else one did when cooking food for a mixed species crew.

"I was looking at human historical disasters," Grunt said, gesturing at a datapad propped up before him. "I'm watching documentaries about human naval craft disasters. There’s a lot of water on Earth. Wonder why your continents don’t just float away." He glanced at Shepard. “Join me?”

"Uh," Shepard said, about to decline, but then caught sight of Grunt's blue eyes. Huge, pleading blue eyes. And he was trying to be polite, too. Dammit. "Sure. What's this one about?"

"Some civilian cruiser called the Titanic," Grunt said. "Ooh, this part's good. He's been chained up and the is water rising. His mate ran off to find the key, but she keeps falling over. Also, she might get shot."

Chaya tilted her head. "This is a documentary?" she asked. "I didn't think they had vid cameras back in the early 20th century."

Grunt said, "Maybe it's a dramatic reenactment. Shhh, just watch."

An hour and a half later, Shepard furiously blinked her eyes. "Fuck," she said. "He died? What kind of ending is that?"

"What a moron," Grunt said. "Don't they know basic physics?"

"And she gave up everything to remember him," Shepard continued.

"Are humans really so weak a little cold will kill them?"

"That necklace was really hideous, though."

"Yeah."

Shepard sniffed, and cleared her throat. "Good vid, Grunt."

"I was hoping for more explosions," Grunt confessed.

Chaya laughed. "Ok, okay. I am starving. Wow, it's late. Shouldn’t people be eating?"

"I believe the crew is waiting for you to finish your documentary," Edi offered. "Hawthorne in particular has been most vocal about the delay. Though some other members of the crew members have told him they would be happy to give him their supply of nutrient paste if he doesn't feel like waiting."

Shepard snorted. "I'm done, I'm done. Tell them we’re clearing out. Hey, Grunt, want to grab snacks and marathon the Blasto vids in my cabin?"

"Yes," Grunt said, and followed her to the elevator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Wednesday:** "Well, everyone deserves chocolate," Shepard said.
> 
> Comments and kudos are really, greatly appreciated.


	11. Tali

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, everyone deserves chocolate," Shepard said.

"You got everything you need?" Shepard asked, holding the lid to the crate shut so Tali could latch it. Tali might have come on board with little more than a spare exosuit and some dextro rations, but over the last month she had managed to acquire a surprising amount of _stuff._ Technology, half-finished projects, an astonishing assortment of tools; all of it had to be carted back to the Neema. Shepard had been forced to search out a few extra storage pods for her. Hopefully the Migrant Fleet would appreciate four large crates full of mechanical tinkerings.

"I think so," Tali said, slapping the top of the crate to endure it was secure. "Garrus did not want the dextro food we had left, so Gardner is packing that up for me, too, but we can get that on our way out."

"Was there a lot left over?" Shepard asked. The past week had been a constant going-away feast, and Gardner had outdone himself again and again. There were multiple courses, little pastries, and, according to Garrus, actually palatable dextro food. Both Tali and Garrus had been eating more than usual.

"Mostly gourmet spices," Tali said. "I'm sure the Neema will appreciate the upgrade. The kind of decadent ingredients you sprang for aren't usually a priority for the Fleet."

"I'm just the bank," Shepard protested. "Gardner's the one who makes the shopping list!"

"And Gardner was the one to buy us Turnian chocolates?" Tali teased.

"Well, everyone deserves chocolate," Shepard said.

Tali laughed. "It was very good," she admitted, and leaned against the central control panel, looking around. “It’s strange, how quickly you get used to the clutter. It looks so empty in here.”

Shepard followed her gaze. Engineering was vacant, other than the two of them. Ken and Gabby had cleared out as soon as they had seen the size of the boxes Shepard had brought in. They had said they did not want to be in the way, but Shepard had overheard them whispering about not wanting to be roped into helping pack delicate equipment.

“We aren’t putting everything back,” Shepard teased. “I’m sure the ship will survive with an actually clean and organized Engineering bay.”

“I knew where everything was! It’s just nice to be able to spread out,” Tali protested. “Even with all the Cerberus crew, the Normandy still has more square meters per person than any other ship I’ve lived on.”

“That’s my ship, the lap of luxury,” Shepard said.

"She is a very good ship," Tali agreed. "I'm going to miss her."

"Are you going to change your name back?" Shepard asked. "Now that you've been transferred back to the Neema, and since the Collector base has been destroyed, I thought you might want to go back to 'Tali'Zorah vas Neema.'"

Tali shook her head sharply. "No!" she said. "The Admiralty Board changed my name, and -- well, this ship is home, too. It was the Normandy that let me complete my Pilgrimage, and it was the Normandy's Captain that saved me and my father. I will remain Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." She hesitated, but before Shepard could say anything, continued: "That is ... as long as you do not mind? Since the Alliance will very likely be taking your ship away, and --"

Shepard threw an arm around her shoulder and squeezed in a one handed hug. Tali tucked her head against Chaya’s shoulder and hugged back.

"I would be honored, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," Shepard said.

"Thank you, Captain," Tali murmured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** "Lots of people, lots of odors. Low gross income rates mean low filtration quality, poor waste management, frequent salvage. Also, think Aria pumps fetid air through docks. Gets rid of certain classes of people. Efficient."
> 
> Comments and Kudos are adored!


	12. Mordin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lots of people, lots of odors. Low gross income rates mean low filtration quality, poor waste management, frequent salvage. Also, think Aria pumps fetid air through docks. Gets rid of certain classes of people. Efficient."

"Omega never changes," Shepard noted, as she entered the filthy space station alongside Mordin. "I always forget how bad it smells."

Mordin said, "Lots of people, lots of odors. Low gross income rates mean low filtration quality, poor waste management, frequent salvage. Also, think Aria pumps fetid air through docks. Gets rid of certain classes of people. Efficient."

"That does sound like Aria," Shepard said, stepping over a rotting ... something. "I almost feel bad leaving you here."

"Normandy filtration much better," Mordin agreed. "Likeliness of ending up in Alliance jail outweighs poor sanitation, however.”

“I don’t know,” Chaya said, wrinkling her nose, “At least the Alliance jail will be cleaner.”

Mordin chuckled. “Good that you came this far. Time of parting. Things to say. Thank you for helping. Saved Daniel, helped with student. Helped me. True friend, Shepard."

Shepard smiled, and held out her hand. Mordin shook it gently. Shepard said, "You did just as much for me, Mordin. I couldn't have fought the Collector's without you. I know we had our differences, but I consider you my friend, as well."

Mordin nodded sharply. "Excellent!" he said. "Now, heading toward clinic. Got to check Daniel, patients. Might need to reinforce territory. Jack and Zaeed offered help."

"They told me," Shepard said. "They seem pretty excited about it."

"Yes," Mordin agreed. "Thrive on adrenaline. Gang fights satisfy need for violence, also need to do good. Second part because of you," he added, nodding seriously. "Bring out better person. Very interesting to watch. Hope effect lasts."

"Uh, thanks," Shepard said, and promptly changed the subject. "But anyway, before you go, I have something for you." She unclipped the M-100 Granade Launcher from her back, and held it out. "I gave Jack and Zaeed the Avalanche and Firestorm, so I figured it was only fair to arm you, too."  


Mordin took it from her, careful and precise, looking the weapon up and down. "Unneeded, but appreciated. Like symmetry. Meet you, give you Carnifex. Leave you, get Grenade Launcher. Thank you, Shepard."

Shepard clapped him on the shoulder. "No problem, Professor. Take care of yourself."

Mordin nodded, and slung the launcher onto his back. "You, too, Commander," he said, and vanished into the crowds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** "Shepard-Commander," Legion said. "We have arrived."
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and Kudos are welcome :)


	13. Legion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shepard-Commander," Legion said. "We have arrived."

"Middle of Nowhere, Perseus Veil. Well, we're here," Shepard announced, rather pointlessly, to her crew. They made small sounds to show they had been listening, because they were used to her, but no one actually looked up. Shepard glanced around. "Is there anything coming up on the scanners?" she asked.

"Nothing," Hadley said. "All is quiet."

"Okay," Shepard said. "Maybe we're early. Edi, where's Legion?"

"Legion is on its way to see you," Edi said. "The elevator should open ... now."

Shepard turned around on the CIC to see the elevators obligingly open, and Legion step out.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion said. "We have arrived."

"Yes," Shepard said. "But no one is here. I think we have some time to kill."

Legion tilted its head in a familiar way, one it had copied from her, to indicate puzzlement/contemplation. "Noted. Geth should be here within two standard hours. There was a delay."

"Huh," Shepard said, and stepped down. "Well, I'm sure we can figure out something to do, while we wait."

'Something' turned out to be videogames in Shepard's quarters, her model ship collection hidden behind the screen, both of them sitting on her bed. Legion was winning, but they were partying, so that was all right.

And it really was _Legion_ who was winning. The Geth was playing using a healer-support character and still had a higher kill count than Shepard's melee Hanar.

"How do people not hate your guts?" Shepard asked, after they took out a level 13 boss with level 5 characters.

"This platform has no 'guts,'" Legion informed her.

"I'm pretty sure you do that on purpose," Shepard grunted, and dodged to avoid a lurking Krogan Battlemaster’s charge.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion said, "If you activate carnage and incinerate simultaneously, you will place an incendiary explosive inside the Krogan's mouth. There is a 95.383% chance this will kill the Battlemaster."

Shepard, cursing and trying to dodge (again) did as suggested. The Battlemaster exploded, covering her hanar with gore. "You are really very good at this game," Shepard said. “Exactly how much time have you logged?”

"Thank you, Shepard-Commander," Legion said. “This platform is capable of performing multiple tasks at the same time.”

Shepard translated that as, ‘sometimes we get bored,’ and grinned. “I see,” she drawled.

Legion’s eye flaps fluttered. "Geth have arrived. We should exit and go down to the airlock."

“Is this another ‘no data available’ topic?” Shepard asked. Legion unfolded from its crouch beside her, but Edi spoke before it could say anything.

"Shepard, Legion is correct. A Geth fighter just turned up on our sensors," Edi announced. "Estimated time to docking is 5.34 minutes."

"Thanks, Edi," Shepard said, and closed out the game. "Alright, Legion, you’re off the hook. Are you looking forward to going home?"

"That would imply feelings Geth do not have," Legion told her. "Our time on the Normandy has been beneficial. This platform accomplished much while on the Normandy. We ... thank you ... for your acceptance, perspective, and knowledge."

That was probably the closest Legion could come to saying it was going to miss Organics. "You're help was invaluable," Shepard said. "And you taught me a lot. Thank, Legion. I'll miss having you around."

Shepard stood and stretched, while Legion turned to her. "Shepard-Commander," it said, once she had settled. "This platform has analyzed Human farewell rituals. May we give you a hug?" The little metal brow pieces did that puppy-dog-eye thing, the one that had convinced Shepard to add it to her crew.

Shepard said, "Sure," and gingerly hugged Legion. Legion was hard and had no idea how to hug, but it put its arms around her shoulders and held on for precisely 10.231 seconds. Then, it let her go, and saluted.

"Shepard-Commander, it is time," it said.

"Yeah," Shepard said, her throat tightening unexpectedly. "Come on, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** "-pard! Shepard! Chaya!"
> 
> Her head snapped back and forth twice, and then Shepard stiffened. Her eyes focused, and she stepped back. "Garrus?" she said, her voice sounding like she had recently swallowed broken glass.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and Kudos are welcome :)


	14. Garrus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "-pard! Shepard! Chaya!"
> 
> Her head snapped back and forth twice, and then Shepard stiffened. Her eyes focused, and she stepped back. "Garrus?" she said, her voice sounding like she had swallowed broken glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for Gore and Violence and Death.

Shepard was used to nightmares.

She would be back on Akuze, standing in a dustbowl, the sky an arc of silver overhead. Old friends would be around her: Hedges, Lopez, Wollner, Asadurian. The captain would be standing by the distress beacon that had called them to the planet, the new tech guy as well. Asadurian would say: "There's no fucking sign of anything on this -" and then the ground would explode into acid, shrapnel, and meat. 

In her dreams, Shepard would die a thousand times to Thresher Maw acid, dissolving armor and flesh with equal speed, or blunt trauma, her guts mashed when she was thrown into the rocky cliffs surrounding the plain, or blood loss, when she lost her right arm to a Hedges' panicked shotgun blasts. Shepard would wake up to a mouth full of blood. Back on Akuze, she had bit her tongue clean through to keep from screaming in fear and giving away her position. She tried to do the same thing while she dreamed.

She never dreamed of what really happened. Lopez was the one who lost an arm, Asadurian dissolved in acid, and Wollner hit the cliffs and never got up. Shepard cannibalized medigel from their corpses, broke their fingers to take their guns, and killed 3 Thresher Maws to survive. She never dreamed of surviving.

After the first Normandy died around her, Shepard stopped dreaming of Akuze. Instead, she dreamed of fire. She did not remember her death, but her mind liked to play tricks. While she slept, she felt to skin melt with her armor and fire rained down around her. She burned. She would wake up gasping and clawing her throat, struggling to breathe. Sometimes, she would dream that she was on the floor of the CIC, unable to move from a broken neck and drowning as blood pooled in her lungs. Other times, she floated in the wreckage, pierced all the way through by the shattered bulkheads. Often, she was drifting in space, unable to breathe while the stars went out around her. 

After she blew up the Collector base, Shepard figured she would start dreaming of that, instead. She prepared for nightmares of dissolving in a stasis pod and or being carried away by swarms of Seekers. Perhaps she would slide helplessly off the side of a bucking Collector platform, reaching uselessly for Miranda's hand, or she might burn up in the ventilation system, begging for the valves to be opened. She would run and run and dive for the Normandy and miss, her fingers splayed to catch a hand that was not there, and then she would fall.

She was wrong.

Chaya threw herself out of bed, her sight full of blood and her head filled with screams and her heart pounding so fast in her chest she was dizzy. A part of her recognized she was standing beside her own bed, saw her own glowing clock, her models on display, but most of her was still on the Collector base, holding bodies together and begging them to stop bleeding and get up. Her eyes were bleary and bloodshot and all she could see was blue blood coating her like someone had dumped a bucked of paint over her. She heard gunfire.

"-pard! Shepard! Chaya!"

Her head snapped back and forth twice, and then Shepard stiffened. Her eyes focused, and she stepped back. "Garrus?" she said, her voice sounding like she had swallowed broken glass.

Garrus had also left the bed, and now stood on front of her. He stooped to see her better, his eyes brilliant with concern, and his mandibles clicking nervously. "Hey," he said gently. "You with me?"

Chaya rubbed one hand over her face, clearing sleep out of her eyes. She cleared her throat, but her voice was still rough when she said, "Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." She dropped back down onto the edge of the bed, and pushed her hair out of her face. "Sorry," she repeated.

After a careful, scrutinizing glance, Garrus sat down next to her. "Must have been quite the dream," he said, half joking and half worried. "You were screaming my name."

"That explains the sore throat," Shepard muttered. "That makes sense," she said, a little louder. "It was a nightmare and you ... you were there."

Garrus's mandibles flared, and he reached out for a moment, as though to comfort or hold her hand, and then snatched his hand back. It made Chaya smile, just a little, that even after she freaked him out and woke him up in the middle of the night, he still was so worried about intimacy between them.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Garrus asked.

Shepard shook her head. "No," she said. "Don't worry about it. I just ... get nightmares."

Garrus made a small, soft sound in the back of his throat. "Okay," he said dubiously, and promptly pushed. "Am I usually a feature of blood-curdling terror when you sleep? Because -- you sounded pretty scared, Shepard."

Shepard closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his shoulder. "Not usually," she said slowly. "There aren't -- people don't -- it's usually just --" she stumbled and stuttered, and this was why she had wanted to say nothing. How could she say anything?

"Shepard," Garrus said, and put an arm around her, talons resting protectively over her shoulder blade.

"I'm usually the one dying," Chaya finally blurted. She looked up at him. "Sometimes on Akuze. Sometimes on the Normandy. It's always been ... me."

Garrus did the Turian versian of gaping speechlessness: flaring mandibles, dilating irises, silence. Shepard sighed and shuffled forward, relaxing against him and drawing comfort from the live press of his body on hers. He put his other arm around her, too, hugging her close.

"It's always been me," Shepard repeated.

"And this time, it was ... me?" Garrus said.

Shepard nodded. "I'm sorry I woke you," she said.

"Well, I'm not," Garrus said. "So you can see that I'm here, I'm okay ... I'm still alive, Shepard. Right here with you, all the way. And I'll be here, as long as you'll let me."

He would be, Shepard knew, which was why she had to be the one to send him away. People usually walked out or died, but Garrus was loyal to the end. "No one I'd rather walk into hell with," she said, instead. They could talk about it in the morning. Tonight, she'd hold him tight, and try to forget the terrifying vision of him dying in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** The Doctor laughed. "He did spend an awful lot of time with that gun," she said. "But it did take out that awful ship. He kept the Collectors from taking any more lives. I suppose all the calibrations were worth it, just for that."
> 
> Chaya sipped her tea. "I'll never tell him that," she said wryly. "He'd move back in and I'd never get him out."


	15. Karin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor laughed. "He did spend an awful lot of time with that gun," she said. "But it did take out that awful ship. He kept the Collectors from taking any more lives. I suppose all the calibrations were worth it, just for that."
> 
> Chaya sipped her tea. "I'll never tell him that," she said wryly. "He'd move back in and I'd never get him out."

"It's sad to see the ship so empty," Dr. Chawkas said, pouring herself a fresh cup of coffee. "Was it like this when - well, I suppose it might have been."

Shepard blew gently on her tea before replying, using the pause to try and navigate between acknowledging the horror that the Doctor had gone through and respecting her wishes - indeed, the wishes of the entire crew - not to discuss her kidnapping. "It's less obvious," she replied. "I can almost forget everyone's gone when I'm in here, or up in my cabin. But yesterday I found an old document from one of my thesis drafts that I wanted to talk to Legion about, and I walked straight into AI Core room before I realized Legion wasn't there. And it's crazy to think Garrus isn't spending hours calibrating that damn canon."

The Doctor laughed. “He did spend an awful lot of time with that gun," she said. "But took out that awful ship. He kept the Collectors from taking any more lives. I suppose all the calibrations were worth it, just for that."

Chaya sipped her tea. "I'll never tell him that," she said wryly. "He'd move back in there and I'd never get him out." Her eyes met Chakwas' across the table. "I wonder what he'll do to pass the time on the Citadel. I don't think the station has any giant guns for him. At least, not any he can legally get his hands on."

Chakwas stirred some sugar into her coffee, and hummed in amusement. "I doubt that will stop him. Garrus is very resourceful."

"That he is," Shepard agreed, taking a longer sip now that she would not burn her tongue. "All of them were. The best in the galaxy."

"And you sent them all away," the Doctor said. "We might need them, you know."

"I know," Shepard said, and put her mug down on the table so she could fold her hands together. "And they’ll be there. It will need all of you. Are you sure I can't talk you out of this, Doctor?"

Doctor Chakwas laughed. "I did wonder why you brought me the last of the good coffee," she said. "It was a bribe! No, Commander, you cannot. Like you, I will not regret or deny my actions. I will not run. I cannot change the Alliance, or what they will do to us, but I can live without regrets. I will accompany you to Arcturus. After that ... well, only the dead can know for sure."

Shepard sighed, and then smiled. "I suppose I can't deny you what you feel is your duty," she said. "Very well. It's been an honor, Doctor. Let's hope it's not the last one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** "You have got to be kidding me," Shepard said, pausing on the threshold of Engineering. "Why aren't you two on Illium with the rest of the crew? Is this a joke? Didn't I watch you leave?"


	16. Ken and Gabby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You have got to be kidding me," Shepard said, pausing on the threshold of Engineering. "Why aren't you two on Illium with the rest of the crew? Is this a joke? Didn't I watch you leave?"

"You can't talk us out of it, Commander," Ken said. "We've decided. We're going to Arcturus with you."

"You have got to be kidding me," Shepard said, pausing on the threshold of Engineering. "Why aren't you two on Illium with the rest of the crew? Is this a joke? Didn't I watch you leave?"

"No joke, Commander," Gabby said. "Ken and I have been talking. The rest of the crew might not have been Alliance, but we were."

Shepard groaned, and rubbed her temples. "Is this what mutiny feels like?" she wondered, coming all the way into the room to stand directly in front of the two engineers. "Daniels ... Donnelly ... if you do this, I can't guarantee anything. I'm probably going to be locked up, and won't be able to help you."

She could not even ask Anderson or Hackett to interfere for her remaining crew. They were already doing everything they could to keep her from being tossed in a dark hole and forgotten about. How could she ask for more favors, after what she had done to Alpha Relay?

"We know," Gabby and Ken chorused.

"Maybe we don't like the rules," Gabby said, glancing briefly at Ken, and then staring Shepard directly in the eyes. "But that doesn't mean we should just ignore them."

"Aye," Ken agreed. "We made this bed. We don't get to run away, just because we shit the sheets."

That was - what? Chaya raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh," she said dryly. "And if I made it an order?"

Ken and Gabby shared another glance.

"We can't follow that order," Gabby said. "Alliance soldiers have a responsibility to ignore unethical orders."

"That's right," Ken said. "It seems you’re stuck with us, ma'am."

Chaya sighed. "Well, come on up for our last supper, then," she said. "But hurry. If we wait much longer, Joker will eat all the steak."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** "Alright," Shepard said. "I think it's time."


	17. EDI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alright," Shepard said. "I think it's time."

Shepard smoothed her hands over the blankets, and then tugged at the corners until they fell in a crisp line. She pushed the pillows so they were directly parallel the foot of the bed, twitched the corner of the flat sheet straighter, and then, satisfied, stood. Everything was ready.

"Alright," Shepard said. "I think it's time."

"Yes, Commander," EDI replied. "Will you head down to the Galaxy map to set our course?"

"In a moment," Shepard said. "I wanted to talk to you, first."

There was an almost imperceptible pause before EDI responded, "What can I do for you, Commander?"

"Nothing," Shepard said. "I just wanted to say it was an honor to serve on you, EDI. I know I was hesitant at first, but you've more than proven yourself. You're a good friend."

When she replied, EDI'S voice was warm. "Thank you, Commander. You have been an excellent captain."

Chaya smiled crookedly. "I had a good team," she said. "You all make it easy. Listen, EDI. I don't know if I'll ever be back on the Normandy. There will be a trial, Hackett's already told me that. People don't believe the Reapers are coming. They don't know why we did this. I don't know if I'll be able to fight this war that's coming." Shepard took a deep breath. "But Hackett and the Alliance would be fools not to see your value. They'll probably assign someone else to captain you."

"I understand," EDI said.

"Just give them some slack," Shepard said. "It might take them some time to figure things out and get comfortable. Try not to be too hasty if they have a hard time adjusting, ok?"

EDI said, "Of course, Shepard."

“But not too much slack,” Shepard cautioned. “Don’t let them get away with abusing you or the old girl.”

“I will make a note,” EDI said.

Shepard nodded. "Okay, then," she said, and saluted the little virtual interface in the corner. "Godspeed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Time:** "Hello, Kelly," EDI said. "What brings you back here? I thought we went to Illium with the majority of the crew?"


	18. Kelly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello, Kelly," EDI said. "What brings you back here? I thought you went to Illium with the majority of the crew?"

Kelly Chambers stepped nervously onto the dock where the Normandy rested. There were signs of interrupted activity everywhere: tools left out, crates half filled with stuff waiting open, an unmanned guard post by the airlock. Miranda had said she would have five minutes.

"Okay, Kelly," Kelly said to herself. "Make it fast."

She walked, and then ran, down the dock and to the airlock. It took endless seconds for the seal to open, and for a moment she thought it would stay locked, but Miranda was as good as her word. The interface flashed green, and Kelly slipped back onto the Normandy.

In the week since she had been on board, everything had changed. Smooth bulkheads had been pulled out to reveal the guts of the ship, wires and cords were everywhere, and the door to the armory had been removed. It was dark, the only light was from the emergency runners, and Kelly activated her omnitool to keep from tripping over the clutter on her way to the elevator.

The main lights came on suddenly, and Kelly jumped. She whirled around furiously, looking for some sign of an Alliance tech or guard still at their post, but there was nothing.

"Hello, Kelly," EDI said. "What brings you back here? I thought you went to Illium with the majority of the crew."

"EDI!" Kelly gasped, putting one hand to her chest. "You startled me! Miranda said this place would be deserted, and I was scared --" she could not finish the sentence.

"We are alone," EDI said. "There was an unexpected fire safety drill. The Alliance crew was forced to head to prepared stations. Some of the more diligent technicians did not want to interrupt their work, but their coworkers dragged them off."

"It worked, then," Kelly said, and started walking again, headed to the CIC and the elevator. "Miranda said she could get me on board for a few minutes. I just need to grab something."

"Did you forget something, Yeoman?" EDI asked.

Kelly said, "Sort of," and stood in front of the elevator. Her hands were shaking, and her chest was still tight with adrenaline. The elevator door opened. Kelly swallowed.

"Kelly?" EDI asked. "Your pulse has increased by 150%, and your breathing has changed. Are you well?"

Kelly swallowed. "This is where it happened," she said. "I was trying to forget."

She stood for too long, staring at the open elevator and seeing Collectors, their grabbing hands and nasty insect faces. 

"Kelly. Kelly, breathe to my count. One and _in_ and two and _out_ and three and _in_ and four and _out_...."

Kelly gasped and tried to follow EDI’s pattern, forcing her lungs to work in and out. She was ... was she having a panic attack? Yes, this was a panic attack. Kelly dropped to the floor and put her head between her knees, trying to control something, anything, breath or heartbeat or the visions on the back of her eyelids.

"It wasn't this bad, before," she whispered, when she could talk again.

"Do you want me to call someone?" EDI asked.

"No," Kelly said, and pushed herself to her feet. She wrapped her arms around herself. There was no one to call, and she had a mission. "I just need to get up to Shepard's cabin, and then leave. It shouldn't take long."

How long had she spent panicking? Kelly forced herself to take the two steps into the elevator, but could not bring herself to check the countdown on her omnitool. She was still shaking.

"Did you leave something Shepard's cabin?" EDI asked, as the elevator hummed and Kelly felt it rising, moving. Kelly bit her lip hard and felt blood well up under her teeth.

"Just the fish," Kelly said. "I saw the news report. She won't be able to take care of them in prison. I told her I'd take care of them when she couldn't." The door opened to the top floor, not the shuttle deck. She could do this. Kelly took one step, and then another, and another, through the open door and into the cabin.

The cabin was dim and a little dusty, not yet touched by the Alliance crew. Shepard's model ships were still in the display case, the bed was still covered in a pale lavender blanket, and there were Shepard's dog tags in a frame on the desk. The fish were still floating in their tank. Kelly walked over to it, breathing a sigh of relief. "Hey, little guys," she said. She knelt down and pulled off her backpack. Inside the pack were small plastic traveling cases for the fish. Kelly dragged the desk chair over to the tank and stood on it so she could reach down into the tank and scoop fish and water into the traveling case.

Once the tank was empty of fish, Kelly stacked the traveling cases carefully in her backpack, and then turned to the bookshelves by the desk. The hamster cage was gone. "Where's Squeaker?" she asked EDI. 

"Squeaker escaped when the security technician who was working on Shepard's computer dropped her cage," EDI said. "She's been running around the ship ever since. I do not mind, as long as she does not nibble on any wires."

There was no way Kelly had the time to track a tiny little space hamster all over the ship. "Okay," she said. "Then let's get out of here."

"You should leave via the shuttle deck," EDI said suddenly. "Some of the crew has started to return. I will make sure the shuttle deck is clear."

Kelly froze. She had not been back to the shuttle deck since the Omega-4 relay. "The shuttle deck?" she whispered.

"You must hurry, Yeoman," EDI urged.

Kelly's knees shook as she stood and put the backpack over her shoulders. "Okay," she said, trying and failing her keep her voice steady. "Let's go."

EDI guided her over to the maintenance tunnels instead of the elevator. Kelly crawled through the ship and tried not to bump into walls with her fish or fall off from nerves. Once, she had to stay huddled in the corner of the engineering room while EDI herded men away from her hatch. When she finally made it to the shuttle deck, she found herself in a dark corner, trying to get up the nerve to slip out and onto the dock while a man in Alliance blues crouched next to the shuttle, whistling while he worked on something inside the open door panel. Kelly took a deep breath, then another, then another. She could do this. She had to do this. She was so close, all she had to do was cross a few hundred feet of open space and she would be free.

When the Collector's put her in the stasis pod, she had been so grateful to get away from their hands that she had pressed herself into the pod and cried with relief when the pod closed. She had not fought it at all. Then all the lights had vanished and she could not feel anything except smooth surface around her and she had been terrified, all over again. She had shouted and begged and pleaded for someone, anyone, to let her out. To save her.

When the lights came back, she wished she had stayed stuck in the darkness. She still saw the colonists around her, dissolving into black slime. She still felt the horror and sickening realization that she would come to the same end. No one would come for her.

Kelly knew, in a vague, shadowy way, that she was curled up on the floor and crying. Most of her was back in the Collector pod, though, hopeless and helpless and completely alone.

"Hey, calm down. It's okay. Just breathe. Here, fell my heartbeat. Can you feel it? It's okay, you're safe, no one's going to hurt you. Its okay, you're okay. No one's hurting you."

Gradually, Kelly's vision cleared. Someone was holding her hand, pressing it to a broad chest, and she could feel a comforting and stable heartbeat. She gasped and tried to pace her breathing, in and out, in and out, in and out.

"Are you with me?" the man said.

Kelly shifted to get her knees under her, careful not to dislodge her hand. It felt like the only lifeline she had, a tether to reality.

"Sorry," she said, once she could speak without sobbing. "I'm sorry."

"It's no problem," the man said. He had bright blue eyes and he was smiling very gently down at her. "I'm Steve. Who are you?"

That's right. She was trespassing on Alliance Military property. Also, technically, she was stealing.

"Kelly," she said. "Kelly Chambers. I was part of Shepard's crew for -- for the colonies."

Steve's eyes widened. "The Collector Base?" he asked. "And the Omega-4 Relay?"

Kelly nodded.

Steve's heart stuttered under her fingers, and then sped up. Kelly took her hand away before her own heart could follow.

"Then I can guess why you're here," he said. "Rescuing the fish, were you?" He gestured at the backpack that was no longer on her back, but instead beside here with its fishy boxes stacked all around it.

Kelly flushed, and looked away. "Shepard loved those fish," she mumbled. "But sometimes she didn't have time to take care of them. I started doing it for her, when she was gone too long."

"I never thought of Shepard as a fish person," Steve said.

"She has a hamster, too," Kelly told him. "I couldn't find her, though."

"Really?" Steve looked interested. "Some of the guys have complained about chewed wires and small animal noises."

"Don't hurt her!" Kelly said.

"I don't think anyone will find her," Steve said. "There are a lot of places to hide, on this ship."

Kelly sighed in relief. "Good," she said. She looked at her knees. "What are you going to do, now that you've found me?"

She heard Steve shift around until he could sit next to her. "Do you know what happened to the colonists?" he asked, instead of answering her questions,

Kelly's breath froze in her throat. "I can't talk about it," she said. "I can't. I can't."

"Was it ...painful?" Steve sounded like he had been punched.

Kelly shook her head. "Please don't ask any questions," she begged.

"I'm sorry," Steve said. "It's just -- my husband was on Ferris Fields when ..." his own breath stuttered.

Kelly wiped fresh tears from her eyes, and swallowed back the rest of them. "It was bad," she finally said. "Shepard came as fast as she could. She was only hours behind us. I still have nightmares."

Steve's brow furrowed. "You were taken?"

"Collector's boarded the ship." Kelly recited the report she had sent to the Illusive Man. "Shepard was on the shuttle in another system. She came as soon as Joker told her what happened. She saved us."

Kelly had felt helpless and hopeless and so alone on the Collector Base, terrified and resigned to dying. Then Shepard had stormed in and rescued her, rescued all of them, and brought them all home. The least Kelly could do was rescue her fish.

Steve said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

Kelly shrugged, but did not have the words to say it was alright, because it was not, or rebuke him, because Shepard had not managed to save his husband. "What are you going to do to me?" she asked, again.

Steve started putting the fish back in the bag. "I'll walk you out of here," he said. "We shouldn't have any trouble. Lots have guys have brought people around to show them this ship. I'll get you somewhere safe. Do you have somewhere you can go?"

Kelly nodded. "Yes," she said. "Thanks."

Steve handed her the backpack. "No problem," he said. "It's the least I can do."

Kelly followed him, and left the Normandy for the last time.

**[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> This is already a completed work and will be updated on Wednesdays and Saturdays until it's over. I really appreciate comments, kudos, and other ways of reviewing, so many thanks if you have already taken the time, or are about to. Thanks for reading!


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